I thought about my most recent disagreement that I had with
the father of my soon to be child. I am 19 weeks pregnant and we haven’t been
seeing eye to eye in what it takes to raise a child. I kind of followed the 4
steps model of Nonviolent Communication. The 4 Step Model involves observation,
feelings, needs, and requests. The disagreement was over our child going over
to his parents’ houses. Both of his parents smoke and the atmosphere isn’t an
atmosphere for a child. I told him about what I have seen when I’ve went over
to their houses (observation), how I feel about if my child were over there
(feelings), what my child’s needs to foster a healthy development (needs), and
what I would want in order to feel comfortable about my child’s development and
well being (requests). He swears up and down that his parents won’t smoke
around our child or use inappropriate language, which is an action that I have
yet to see around their other grandchildren. However, he is taking my reaction
as I feel that his family is wrong and I look down upon them. I have tried to
explain my train of thought many times, but he truly feels that his parents
will stop. Any ideas about how I can help him see my perspective?
References
Conflict Resolution Network.
(n.d.). CR kit. Retrieved from
Arica,
ReplyDeleteI can see both sides of the situation. At the root of it, you just don't want your child around second-hand smoke. And it seems he is upset because he thinks you are implying you don't want his family around the baby. One idea that popped in my head is that when his family visits with your baby it can be at a neutral place like your house or at a restaurant or the park. You could reassure him that it is very important to you that his family be a part of the baby's life, but it has to be on your terms because you are the mother and your first concern is your child. Also, you can point out that infants who may be exposed to second-hand smoke may develop allergies, asthma or other respiratory issues. I hope this helps at all, but I can see that you have a strong mothering instinct and that it is to protect your child. I think he will eventually see your perspective.
Hi Arica!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the conflicts that you are experiencing with the father of your soon be child as I too often conflict with my fiancé regarding the many aspects involving our 21 month old son. Our disagreements typically have their foundations in our differences in family structure and parental expectations. When my son was first born the level of disagreements was at an ultimate high due to increase stress and responsibilities. The last two years has been a huge communication struggle while we both attempt to adjust to our parental responsibilities, the need for effective communication, and the importance of conflict management skills. With acknowledgment, consideration, and compromise (when necessary), both you and the father of your soon to be child will develop effective conflict management strategies to serve the best interest of your child and your relationship.
Wish you the best!!!
Hi Arica,
ReplyDeleteOne thing I understand about marriage is the neccesity for compromise. I feel that between these two opinions you could find a way to meet in the middle. Maybe your child's father parents could meet at your house to see the baby and that way you can control the enviroment but not deprive them of seeing the child. I hope this can help.
Hi Arica:
ReplyDeletePeople are sensitive when it comes to their families. They can talk about them, but you can't. It's crazy lol. But have you asked him has he noticed how his parents are with their other grandchildren? Because you drew your conclusions from that. I believe that way, he will have no choice but to see where you are coming from with this. That's proof right there. And does he really believe that they are going to treat this child any different? I understand that he loves his parents but right is right. And he should want the best for his child. You are only trying to do what is right for the baby. It's nothing personal. Plus, you are getting your masters in this field so that counts you credible in knowing what goes on with child development. If you address it like that in a "nice" way if you haven't already, he should see your point-of-view and you two should be able to come to a compromise from there. I believe you two will. And congratulations!!!!